The Doctor is in
by Hikari Kaitou
Summary: The Tsubasa family decides that they could use a little family counseling after the recent events. Unfortunately, their counselor is not especially interested in being helpful. Spoilers for up to ch. 149. ONESHOT


**The Doctor is in**

**A/N:** Holy crap; I can't believe this is the first fanfic I've posted this summer. That's lame of me. Anyway, the idea for this fic hit me very suddenly when my parents threatened to take my 14-year-old brother with them for family counseling. I was surprised, let me tell you. I mean yeah, that kid is a sadistic psychopath who possesses all the self-control of a rabid, starved hyena and I've long suspected that what he needs is a good lobotomy, but still… I dunno. And of course, since I'm a Tsubasa-crazed moron, the first thought that popped into my head upon hearing this little decision was "Man, you know what family could _really_ use some counseling right now?" No prizes for the one who guesses what family I was thinking of.

**Edit:** I fixed it up a little so the ending should be a bit more acceptable now.

* * *

Family counselor Dr. Mihara was poked tentatively awake. He rolled over and squinted up at his receptionist Ogata who was hovering over him timidly, getting ready to shelter his head in case the doctor decided to smack him with his vicious paper fan for waking him.

"What do you want?" Dr. Mihara grumbled, rubbing his eyes and feeling around on the table for his glasses.

"Sir, your three o'clock is here," Ogata reported.

Mihara got up of the office couch, stretched his arms over his head and made his way to the waiting room. All the patients turned towards him expectantly as Mihara opened the door and looked down at his clipboard.

"Mokona?" he said listlessly.

A family of six people and their little white…pet stood up and approached him, their expressions grim and pained. Mihara's eyeballs nearly fell out of their sockets when he saw them. He had seen some pretty rough-looking characters but these people looked like they had just been to hell and back. There was a tall, muscular, black-haired man with intimidating blood-red eyes, a delicate-looking one-eyed blond man whom Mihara mistook at first for a woman, two identical twin boys who were almost exactly the same except for the fact that one had one blue eye and one amber eye, and two identical twin girls.

Mihara recoiled from them slightly out of instinct before he was able to catch himself and stop. Trying to remain professional, Mihara put on a smile though it came out looking very forced and just a little crazy. But the family didn't seem fazed by their counselor's strained smile; they had many more serious things to worry about. The boy with the normal eyes purposely tripped his twin as they made their way toward the doctor. The twin fell hard, flat on his face. Mihara just managed to stifle a snort of amusement. After all the crap he had seen, he really shouldn't have found that sort of thing funny but he just could help himself.

The twin who had been tripped redeemed a few of his cool points by rolling over onto his back and making a well-aimed kick at the offender's stomach and sending him flying back into the opposite wall. The muscular black-haired man, whom Mihara assumed was the father, let out a snarl of annoyance and stomped over to where one of the twins was lying against the wall, bawling his mismatched eyes out, and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. He made his way back to the others, who had frozen in surprise of the sudden attack, grabbed the other twin by the scruff of his neck with his opposite hand and led the family irritably the rest of the way out of the waiting room. Mihara showed them to his office and invited them all to take a seat on the various chairs and couches that sat around its perimeter. He watched in silence as the family chose their seats, the "parents", carefully avoiding each others' eyes, sat on opposite sides of the room from each other, the white pet perched on the "mother's" shoulder, the twin boys on either side of the twin girls, the boy with the mismatched eyes still sniffling, frantically wiping his tears away and throwing mutinous looks at his brother.

"So…" Mihara said distractedly, running a hand through his hair as his other hand dug through his desk drawer for a notebook and pen. "Why don't we start with your names?"

He clicked his ballpoint pen and looked expectantly over at the "mother".

The blond, who had been looking very distant and sad before the doctor had focused his attention on him, smiled brightly. "I'm Fai."

"Mokona is Mokona," said the white thing.

"Oh god! It talks!" Mihara panicked. "And look at it! It's freaking hideous! And it just radiates uselessness! No wonder you people are so messed up!"

"Mokona isn't useless! Mokona can do lots of things!" Mokona pouted.

"Oh yeah? Like what?" Mihara smirked.

"Mokona sucks everyone up and takes them from world to world!"

Mihara stared. "So in other words, you eat your family members on a regular basis. Is that what you're telling me?"

Mokona just stared back at him stupidly Mihara chuckled darkly and scribbled something down in his notebook. "Continue."

"Syaoran," said the boy with the normal eyes.

"Sakura," said the first of the twin girls. She was dressed in a flowing white dress which was decorated with gold and had two large white wings. Mihara frowned slightly as he studied her, trying to decide what the wings might be made of before deciding that, frankly, he didn't give a shit and moved onto the girl's twin, the one dressed in black. She too had large white wings. She just stared blankly forward and a steady trickle of drool made its way down the corner of her mouth.

"She's Sakura, too," her white-clad twin said eventually.

Mihara looked up from his notebook, a dubious expression on his face. "You're both named Sakura?"

_Drip, drip, drip…_

"Um…yes," the girl in the white replied timidly.

The counselor looked from one to the other a couple times, then sighed and shook his head, deciding once again that he didn't care. He moved his expectant gaze to the boy with the mismatched eyes.

"Syaoran," he mumbled, not looking at Mihara.

"What in the world is going on here?!" Mihara shouted, jumping to his feet. "You named both your boys Syaoran and both your girls Sakura?! Did you do that just to screw with me?!"

The mother forced a laugh and the father shrugged indifferently. "We didn't name 'em. They just came with those names."

Mihara's look of disbelief became even more pronounced. "They _came_ with those names…? Like they're toys or something that you just bought at a store…?"

The father snorted. "Yeah, like hell I'd actually spend money on those two!" He gestured carelessly at the boy with the mismatched eyes and the drooling girl.

Mihara frowned at him for a moment, then flashed a lopsided grin as he made a secretive note on his notebook.

"Hey! What the hell did you just write down there?!" the father demanded.

"And what is your name, _sir_?" Mihara smirked.

"Kurogane."

Mihara snorted and made another note.

"YOU BASTARD!! WHAT THE HELL—!!"

"Now, in order to reduce confusion," the counselor interrupted, "I'll call you Sharon…"

he pointed to the Syaoran with the mismatched eyes.

"Wha?! Why do I have to be Sharon?! Make _him_ Sharon!" he snapped, pointing furiously at his smug twin.

"You're the sissy one so you have to be Sharon," Mihara explained carelessly. "And I will call you Saliva."

He pointed to the black-clad, drooling Sakura. She didn't reply.

_Drip, drip, drip…_

"Good, now that we have that all settled…" Mihara began, rubbing his hands together. He was interrupted then by someone's stomach grumbling loudly. Everyone except for Fai and Saliva looked around curiously.

Fai laughed uncomfortably. "I'm sorry; I didn't have time to eat breakfast this morning… I'll be fine, please continue."

Mihara shrugged and was about to do so when he noticed Kurogane digging through his pockets and pulling out a small dagger. The counselor shrieked and cowered on top of his chair, jabbing frantically at the page button on his desk. "OGATA!! OGATA, GET IN HERE!! THERE'S A BAD MAN WITH A KNIFE!! HELP ME!!"

"Aww, would you just _shut up_?" Kurogane growled impatiently. "This thing isn't for you."

He made a shallow cut in his wrist.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" Mihara cried.

Kurogane held out his bleeding wrist. "Go on. You're hungry. Drink."

"Now _isn't_ a good time, Kurogane…" Fai muttered, not looking at him. Mihara was frozen in horror, only his eyes moving back and forth between the mother and father.

Kurogane sighed heavily. "Fine, I can't make you drink. But it's just gonna go to waste."

Fai closed his eyes in frustration, then slowly got to his feet and reluctantly joined Kurogane on his couch. To Mihara's horror, Fai lowered his mouth to the cut and began to take long pulls of the rich, sultry liquid.

"W-WOULD SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT EXACTLY IS GOING ON HERE?!" Mihara howled.

_Drip, drip, drip…_

"Fai san is a vampire!" Sakura said brightly.

Mihara fell backwards off his chair and rolled around on the floor, clutching at his hair. "EEEEEEEK!! VAMPIRE!! I'M GONNA DIE!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!! OGATA!! GET YOUR PATHETIC ASS IN HERE!! EEEEEEEK!!"

"Don't worry; Fai san can only drink Kurogane san's blood," Syaoran explained calmly.

Mihara stopped rolling around and looked up at Syaoran. "Oh…" He got to his feet, brushed the wrinkles out of his clothes and sat back down in his chair. "Oh good. No worries, then."

The counselor cleared his throat and made another note on his notebook. "So Fai san… you're a vampire who can only drink Kurogane san's blood… How did that come to be?"

"Hmm… I guess it started when Syaoran…er, _Sharon_ kun, gouged my eye out and ate it," Fai answered with an awkward smile.

Mihara's eyes widened again. "HE _WHAT_?!"

"I lost so much blood during that incident that the only way to save my life…" Fai's voice and eyes hardened here, "was for Kurogane to make a deal with the Dimensional Witch to turn me into a vampire."

"Wait, so let me get this straight…" Mihara said, frowning. "You," he pointed at Sharon, "_ate_ out your mother's _eye_ out?"

"I was hungry," Sharon said defensively. "Anyway, if I ate his eye then I could have his magical powers."

"Magical powers?" Mihara repeated, jotting something down in his notebook.

_Drip, drip, drip…_

"Yes," Sharon replied decisively.

Mihara looked around at the rest of the family members, waiting for someone to refute this but no one did.

_Drip, drip, drip…_

"Miss," Mihara said acidly, getting to his feet again and turning his gaze to Saliva. "May I offer you a napkin, or a towel…or a swimming pool pump? You're bleeding all over my nice white couch."

It was true; Saliva had a large open wound in her stomach that was gushing blood everywhere. Saliva just continued to drool placidly.

"Oh, you're right! I'm so sorry!" Sakura gasped, putting a hand to her mouth. "My body is getting blood everywhere! If you have some bandages, a bucket of soapy water and a rag, I can take care of this…"

"Hold on, hold on…" Mihara cut in, holding up his hand to stop her. "What do you mean, 'your body'?"

"Well, you see doctor san, the two of used to be one person but then…" Sakura trailed off and glanced anxiously at Fai, who was now licking the last traces of blood from Kurogane's cut.

"Then what?" Mihara asked suspiciously.

"It's ok, Sakura chan," Fai muttered. "…You can tell him…"

Mihara knew guilt when he saw it; there was a heavy stench of it on Fai as he said these words. Kurogane looked pained and made to pull the blond into his arms but Fai put a cherry bomb in the ninja's pants. That kept him busy for a little while.

"Um…Fai san… Fai san has a curse that causes him to kill anyone who becomes stronger than him magically. When I got my feather back…" Sakura explained but once again Mihara interrupted.

"Whoa, wait. 'Stronger than him magically'? Got your 'feather back'? What does that mean?"

"It's a magical feather…" Sakura began again.

"LOOK, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!" Kurogane shouted. "QUIT ASKING MORE QUESTIONS WHEN SHE'S TRYING TO ANSWER THE ONES YOU ALREADY ASKED!! IT'S PISSING ME OFF!!"

"Hey, do you wanna do my job?" Mihara asked. "No? I didn't think so."

He turned back to Sakura. "Now, Sakura. What's your story?"

"Me?" Sakura asked, puzzled. "I already told you what—"

"Oh, come on. You can't be totally innocent," the counselor smirked. "What have you done to help screw up your family?"

Sakura stared at him blankly.

"She and Sharon are madly in love," Mokona squeaked, choosing a very inappropriate time to contribute to the conversation.

"Oh really?" Mihara asked. Then he made a face. "Eww! He's your brother! What kind of sicko are you?!"

"And Syaoran loves Sakura, too," Mokona continued.

"Yucky! Incest love triangle! And we all know _those_ aren't healthy!" Mihara declared.

Three of the children were blushing furiously now. Saliva just drooled.

"Ok, now what about you, Kurogane? Where have you screwed up?" Mihara asked smugly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kurogane said easily. "I haven't done anything."

Mihara laughed doubtfully. "Mokona?"

"Umm… actually... Mokona can't think of anything bad that Kurogane has done," the white creature admitted slowly.

"Oh, come on! Look at this guy! He looks like the freaking spawn of Satan! There's no way _he_ can be the innocent one!"

"He saved my life," Fai said bitterly.

"What do you mean?" Mihara asked.

"I was ready to die… and he…he forced me to live…"

Mihara made another note. "Homicidal _and_ suicidal, huh? Things aren't looking good for you, Dracula."

"Too bad for you, Doc," Kurogane smirked. "Looks like you screwed up. I'm clean."

Mihara was about to retaliate when another disruption took place: Sharon had just given Syaoran a roundhouse kick to the face. Kurogane, snarling, went and pulled the boys off each other again.

"AND WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU DUMB ASS BRATS KEEP YOUR DAMN FEET OFF OF EACH OTHER?!"

"He called me a poop head and shot a spit wad at my blue eye!" Sharon tattled.

"You mean _my_ blue eye," Fai grumbled.

"Doctor san, do you have any bandages? My body is making a mess…"

"Would you all be quiet for a minute!?" Mihara called over all the chattering. "After hearing your testimonies, I was able to make a diagnosis!"

Everyone fell silent. Mihara cleared her throat.

"You guys… are a family of freaks. I can't do a thing for you. You're fucked."

The family stared blankly as Mihara pressed the paging button on his desk. "Ogata, show my patients out and take care of their payment."

Ogata appeared in the office to carry out the doctor's bidding while Mihara lie down on the non-bloodied couch and went back to sleep.

* * *

**A/N: **Hmm… I dunno what I think about that… I think it's a little better since I fixed the ending but I'm still not sure. 


End file.
